well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
