I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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