dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I skipped work to stalk him.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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