And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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