sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize