I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
