someone get that fucking seahorse.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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