just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm having to shit out rocks
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
