After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
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