im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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