watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize