2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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