I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
where are my eyebrows?
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