Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
