I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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