Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
