now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
