I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize