Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
