Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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