nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
