HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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