I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
