I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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