Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
