This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
