Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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