I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
