That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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