i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
