He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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