Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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