so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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