Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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