I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
