That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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