I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
