Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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