o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
