so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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