I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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