Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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