Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
