Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
