i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
there was a trapeze. enough said
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
