I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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