she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
