none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
