I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize