Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
