you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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