I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
