Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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