My sheets look like a crime scene.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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