the condom got lost in my hair
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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